Vision

Today, everything just came together for me. I saw and I saw and I saw. I've been feeling all week, and feeling blind. Last night, I felt as though I were crazy and coming apart into fragments that could never come together. Then I had the thought that the one who was in this could never find her way out. The one who feels lost - that one in me who was loudest in that moment - truly did not know, could not know, her way out. What dawned on me was the thought that there was another one in me who does know. And that the shift could be immediate. Like Samantha Stevens, I could twitch my nose, and I could suddenly be in a different place - a different place in my self. I was unwilling, in that moment, to go there. That one - the lost feeling one - wanted more air time. But after that realization, none of my feeling waves felt crazy. I went to bed sad, but not fragmented. Somehow, even by just acknowledging that there was another one in me who did know, I then subtly knew that there was a way to have all of what I want for myself, rather than to shred my heart into a sacrifice and either/or action.

And when I woke this morning, my awareness was matter-of-fact and even. I knew immediately upon waking that I had moved to that different 'one' in myself. That "I" simply held that there is a way, and because I knew this, I knew that I would find it. Even these thoughts were not running through my mind. My mind was spacious, and instead this was a feeling, a state of being. And as I found my way through the voices inside me - the ones from either side of the previous nights' dilemma coming up - I could feel that they were resolvable. That I could, and in fact was, resolving them.

Later in the day, as I was riding my bike, a vision emerged. A vision so complete, so full, so utterly resolving. It kept coming, and keeps coming. I feel creativity flowing in me in the same way that I have during a few other key junctures of my life. And such a big part of the vision is to be in constant creativity - and living in co-creativity. The vision yields a radically new context, new structure for my living... and maybe most importantly, a new mission, a whole new plan - one that I feel I have been searching for for years.

Now, I need to find out if my husband is willing to turn toward me all the way, and see me as his beloved wife again... anew. To have and to hold, to take responsibility, to love all the way... even if he doesn't know how. Does he want to?

If so, if he is wholeheartedly wanting to make a life with me and just hasn't seen a way, then I've got a new vision to share with him.